matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
