You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
