You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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