I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
