I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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