i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
