Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
