im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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