summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
