You can't special order awesome
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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