Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
