Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i out mim tonsoeep
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
