Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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