yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
