google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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