He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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