No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
