I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
