I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
