Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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