she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
