It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
