I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
