I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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