i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
