ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
