Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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