You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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