a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Semen is not good for contacts.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
