If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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