So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
