You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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