Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
