I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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