Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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