Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
