i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
