Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Randomize
