:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
