I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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