What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
