i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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