Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
