So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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