hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
