Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
