Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
