My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
