I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
