nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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