He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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