I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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