he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
