wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
not ubering you a puppy
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
