my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
All the doctor said was why
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
