I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
