i think my mom watched the whole time
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
