My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
