When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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